Disagreements aren't always frustrating

We live in a world where disagreements between people, families, business partners, governments and nations occur multiple times a day. The intensity of the disagreement varies from a mild irritation to irrationality, violence. Often these disagreements lead to the deterioration or destruction of relationships.

Yet, we also know that not all disagreements have to end in more animosity and misunderstanding. In fact, there are many times when disagreements lead to mutual understanding and a productive outcome for all parties involved. When this occurs this is considered a constructive disagreement. As a mediator, one of my goals is to help the conflicting parties understand the other's point of view. This may entail having a fairly clear understanding of the feelings and the motivations of the other party. If this happens, people may not agree but they may find the ability to compromise. To learn to advocate for what they want but also to understand that the other party has wants and needs as well. When that happens they can say they have reached a constructive agreement.

Constructive disagreements are never based on a misunderstanding. On the contrary, these disagreements arise from a high degree of comprehension; from having chewed over the ideas of your intellectual opponent so thoroughly that you can properly spit them out. In other words, to disagree well you must first understand well. It is important to read deeply, listen carefully, watch closely. At times it will be important to give him/her the intellectual benefit of doubt; to have sympathy for his/her motives and to display empathy for that point of view. And you need to allow for the possibility that you might yet be persuaded of what he has to say. When you do these things you will be demonstrating respect, even if you still disagree with the person's point of view.

For most of us, disagreeing is scary. It is easy to interpret disagreement as a criticism of intelligence, judgment, character, status, etc. Disagreement can produce tension, invite retaliation, and lead to complete loss of relationships. Consequently, we fight each other from the safe distance of our separate islands of ideology and identity. We take exaggerated offense to whatever is said about us. We banish entire lines of thought and attempt to dismiss or demean all manner of people. As a result, we end up at a greater emotional distance from people who may be important to us, and we lose any opportunity to compromise.

By contrast, agreeing generally feels safe and comfortable. But avoiding disagreements about important matters can be personally frustrating and lead to distancing in the relationship. Paradoxically, good disagreements actually can strengthen relationships when we demonstrate that we respect each other and take each other seriously.

It’s easy to take common ground for granted and jump right into disagreement, which can escalate conflict unnecessarily and unproductively. It helps to begin by respectfully expressing areas of agreement before identifying differences, but we often skip that initial step. I find this step to be particularly helpful when conducting a mediation. Generally we can all agree on something, whether it be the shared welfare of our children or the achievement of targets/goals for out business. This agreement can set the foundation for resolving conflict.