Easing the pain of divorce when there are children in the home
Divorce often is a painful process, especially when there are children residing in the home. This is true for all children, regardless of their age. The pain and anguish can be more intense when the divorce is characterized by high conflict between the husband and wife. However, there are things that both parents can do to lessen the pain and intense feelings of the children.
Much of the information I will be sharing comes from an article I read on the Mediate.com website. The article was written by Joan B. Kelly, Ph.D. The article is titled, Top Ten Ways to Protect Your Kids From the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-Up. What I have done is interpret that information in my own words based on my own experience as a mediator/mental health therapist. I found the information in the article very useful and I hope you find my slant on it beneficial as well.
1. Both parents need to be "good" parents - The reality is that people going through a divorce will have times when they are highly emotional and not at their best. Still, it can be vitally important that parents continue to "parent" their children. Being able to provide appropriate discipline, monitoring your children, maintaining your expectations about school, and being emotionally available (at least some of the time) is needed. Ms Kelly reported that competent parenting has emerged as one of the most important protective factors in terms of children’s positive adjustment to separation.
2. Talk to Your Children - Research has shown that only 5 percent of parents actually sit down, explain to their children when a marriage is breaking up, and encourage the kids to ask questions. You do not need to go into great detail about the reasons "why" the divorce is happening. What is important is to talk to your kids and tell them, in very simple terms, what it all means to them and their lives. Research has shown that when parents do not explain what's happening to their children, the kids feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope with the separation.
3. Act like grown-ups - Arguing and being verbally or physically abusive to one another in front of the children is highly damaging to the children. This is obvious, but happens anyway. Keep your conflict away from the kids. It is critical that parents learn to create a "protective buffer" for the children by saving arguments or fights for a mediator’s office - or a scheduled meeting at a coffee shop. Parents often put children in the middle of their conflict and use them as messengers, sounding-boards, or spies. When this happens children often become depressed and angry and may develop behavioral problems as a response.
4. Be discreet - Kids are inevitably curious, and, at the same time ill- equipped to understand these adult matters such as legal papers or the issues in a divorce. Consequently, it is best not to leave legal documents or adversarial papers laying around where the children could read them. Also, be discreet when talking on your phone, make sure the kids aren't in the next room, listening to the conversation. Recognize that your children love you both, and think of how to reorganize things in a way that respects their relationship with both parents.
5. Deal with anger appropriately - Inevitably, both parents going through a divorce are going to have strong feelings of anger toward each other. In their anger and pain, mothers may actively try to keep Dad out of the children's lives - even when they are good fathers whom the children love. Fathers may be overly critical of or demean the mother. But children’s needs during separation are very different from their parents. Research reports children consistently need consistent, continuous involvement with BOTH parents during the divorce process.
6. Dad, stay in the picture - Long-term studies show that the more involved fathers are after separation and divorce, the better. Dads who stay involved with their kids, where the dad is involved in helping with academics, athletics, and problem solving, are more likely to see a better adjusted child. Where a good father-child relationship exists, kids grow into adolescence and young adulthood as well-adjusted as married-family children. This is true for children of all ages, and particularly true with adolescents
7. Manage your own mental health - It is very important for Mom and Dad to recognize that your own sense of well-being, your own mental health has a significant impact on your children. If feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger continue to overwhelm you, seek help. Even a few sessions of therapy can be enormously useful.
8. Keep the people your children care about in their lives. Encourage your children to stay connected to your ex’s family and important friends. This stable network strengthens a child’s feeling that they are not alone in this world, but have a deep and powerful support system – an important factor in becoming a psychologically healthy adult. This could apply to other caregivers such as babysitters, tutors, etc.
9. Be thoughtful about your future love life. Give yourself plenty of time before you remarry or live with another partner again. Young children in particular form attachments to your potential life partners and, if new relationships break up, loss after loss may lead to depression and lack of trust in children. And don’t expect your older kids to instantly love someone you’ve chosen – this person will have to earn their respect and affection.
10. Pay your child support. If it is determined that you have an obligation to pay child support, pay it. Paying child support provides the opportunity to let your children know that, in your eyes, their welfare comes first. In this as in all things, let your message to the kids be that you care so much about them that you will keep them separate, and safe, from any conflict. They will appreciate it as they get older.