Listening to a mediator - what divorcing couples can learn about communication

It would be an understatement to say that the process of divorce can be an emotionally and financially expensive event. When the divorcing couple have hired attorneys and are disputing every issue the costs can be enormous. It has been estimated that the couple can spend as much as a third of their respective net worth reaching a conclusion to the divorce. The cost in terms of emotional stress can be even more devastating.

Mediation offers an opportunity to reach resolution to divorce with less conflict, less feelings of hurt and anger. The way this happens is through the process of communication. A competent mediator knows how to communicate. More importantly, he or she fosters communication between the disputing parties. Parties can walk away from a mediated divorce knowing HOW to communicate with each other regarding parenting issues, as well as other issues. This ability to communicate effectively leads to a positive model for co-parenting the children involved in a divorce.

Specifically, mediators teach the couple to speak and listen to each other with respect. This means developing new behaviors such as not interrupting when one person is talking. Another task is to learn to express what one is feeling and thinking by not making inflammatory or disparaging remarks to one another.

During mediation, there is ample opportunity for the participants to learn other effective communication techniques. Well-trained mediators model constructive communication in numerous ways. They listen without interruption to gain a better understanding of the content and emotional underpinnings of what is said. They also listen reflectively, responding when appropriate to what is said with a short phrase such as “I hear you” or with a quick nod of the head, to let the speaker know he or she has been heard. Skilled divorce mediators also selectively summarize or paraphrase what’s said, to make sure that their understanding is accurate.

Another critical communication behavior mediators demonstrate is validation of feelings being expressed. This is done by verbally acknowledging a feeling when it is observed. An example would be, "I hear and understand your anger when you talk about that issue."

These are communication skills participants can learn during the mediation process. Learning and practicing these skills after the mediation is over can lead to the divorced couple communicating in a less conflictual manner. In turn, learning to communicate more effectively can serve as a role model for the children of the divorcing parents.